I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
