Sorry, I don't speak sober.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
