curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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