If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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