i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
