so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You're a waste of cheezeits
This is classic penis vs brain.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
