i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
