I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
