It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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