R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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