Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
