I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
