Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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