D3 body, D1 cock
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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