The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
