If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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