I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
this beer tastes like vomit already
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize