did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
