Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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