So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
