Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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