You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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