My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
