so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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