I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
