Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
