Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
