i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
