look no pants
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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