If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
