hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I think I died a long time ago.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
