Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
