it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Someone came in the potted fern
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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