youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
