When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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