My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
