a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
How naked do you want me to be?
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