the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
