Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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