I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
