Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
