I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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