two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
