Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
