Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
