birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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