just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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