nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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