It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
