She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
