when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just gift wrapped bread.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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