I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
