Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
