I'd wear matching sweaters with you
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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