My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
