I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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