just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
