so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
