Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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