you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
