I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
