Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
