if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
