I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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