The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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