How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
