I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
